I had a dream.

It's still there. Pumping through my veins. Killing me.
I had a dream last night. A dream about fear. Fear and love.
Liten was overrun by a car. And for some strange reason, we couldn't go to the vet. So we stayed at home, until she fainted. She had wounds all over her body and was in a lot of pain. I had to cut her ears. I don't know why, but right there, right then, I just knew that that was the best thing to do. So I did it. With a scissor. And it nearly killed me. It hurt like hell, I saw it in her eyes, but she didn't move. She trusted me, completely. Hugo was also ill. Not like Liten, but still. I realized we had to go to the vet. The doorbell rang. Outside stood my father. He told me he had come back from the dead, but that he wa very sick and needed to go to a doctor. He fainted. Liten fainted. Hugo ran away.
I ran to the car. And suddenly, we were all on our way to the hospital. First the hospital, then the vet. My mother was also in the car. I cried. I cried and my whole body trembled. I was so afraid. So afraid of losing my father again. So afraid of losing Liten. Liten. Liten and Hugo.
We drove faster and faster. Sometimes I drove. Sometimes my mum. Suddenly Fanny drove the car. We almost bumped into a high pavement, and I took control over the car again. My dad was in a very good mood, making jokes only he would say. He laughed, with his soft, dark voice. I understood that this was real, this was not a dream. Liten fainted in the backseat. Again. Daddy too. My mother told me I had to drive faster, faster, faster. And I did. I never hesitated. Faster... faster... faster.

When we came to the hospital my dad was in his most stubborn mood, and refused to use the elevator. He took the stairs. Mum was happy but worried, she knew that if he had decided to take the stairs, then the stairs it would be. We came into a white room, with lots of other people in it. The doctor made jokes, he was the same doctor who used to treat my father for like a hundred years ago. They recognized each other. The laughter filled the room. I screamed. My tears just fell down my cheeks and a couldn't breathe. My mum tried to calm me down, but it was impossible. Tears, tears, tears. I just wanted those laughing people to become serious, to give daddy treatment, I was absolutely terrified that he would die. Again. I started to wonder if I had become a lunatic, if this scene only took place in my head. But it was real, real, real.

I remembered Liten and Hugo, and ran to the car. Alone. I ran until my eyes couldn't see, until my heartbeats nearly killed me. Couldn't breath. Just ran. No air, no air, no air. Liten. Hugo. Liten. Hugo. Where the fuck is my car, where is it where is it where is it? Couldn't find it. Hated myself because I couldn't find my own car. I tried to press the electric kee. Nothing happend. I ran all over the parking area and the car was nowhere to be found. But wait. Wait. I pressed the unlock button again. And I saw the lights of the car. In a tree. But the car was invisible. The fucking car was invisible and in a fucking tree, and the panic came over me.

People around me started to act really weird, almost like everyone were stoned. Suddenly everyone in the parking area were laughing, almost screaming. They had all gone insane. All of them. Insane. They scared the shit out of me, but I had to stay, stay, stay. Liten. Hugo. Must take them to the vet.
I tried to manipulate the car. Begged it to stop being so fucking hard to handle. Told the car about Liten and Hugo and my dad and my mum and I really, really needed it to come down. I closed my eyes and convinced myself that the moment I opened them again, the car would be on the ground, ready to use. There was no time for these kind of strange things to happen. I opened my eyes. I saw the car. The black, shiny BMW. It was beautiful, powerful. And most of all, it was on the ground. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.
Liten and Hugo where still alive, and I jumped in, started the car, and drove gently out of the parking from hell. I had to be calm. Couldn't lose the car again. It all depended on the car. And the car knew all this. I didn't know how, but I could feel it in every little piece of my soul. After a while we drove faster and faster and faster. An old friend tried to stop me, she needed a ride. I didn't trust her. There was no time for trusting people. I had to do this alone.

Then the car went back to its invisible mood. Panic. Panic. Panic. What shall I do?

The next second, I was at the daycare. With Becca. She had a new sweather, of the colour gold. I thought it was a strange thing to do, to talk about her sweather when my world was falling to pieces. We ran away. To my place. I had to clean it, it was such a mess. Becca started to clean it, but suddenly Liten was in the livingroom. There was blood in her mouth, she threw up. More blood. The vet. The vet. The vet. How could I forget? Right there, right then, I could have killed myself for acting like a fucking worthless goldfish. I couldn't remember anything. And most of all... I couldn't do anything right. Fuck. I ran out of the house, and ofcourse my car was invisible. Again. I talked to the car, told him that I really, really, really could use some help right now, and that I didn't like its behaviour. It felt as if someone else had the power of the car. Everything was so strange. Almost like a movie. And I couldn't tell if the people around me could be trusted, or if they were some kind of zombies. How the fuck could I know, I couldn't even find my own car. Seek, seek, seek, hide and fucking seek.

The car now was in front of my eyes. But there was something wrong. No wheels. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I was lost. Didn't know what to do? How do you handle this situation, little goldfish? I found four tires, all in different sizes. I managed to fix the car, I drove through the streets in despair. Couldn't remember where the vet was. Right, left, right left.

My mum was suddenly in the seat beside me. Told me that my faster had died.
I didn't believe her, I called her a liar, I didn't want to hear any more bad news. Not now, not today, not ever again. I closed my eyes. We crashed into a store. Full of hippes, smoke, and music. They gace us drugs. I felt calm, even though I was screaming on the inside. We tried to drive through the glass door, out of this crazy place. The car just smashed into it. Nothing happened. The door remained closed. The hippies came over, asked us why we had to be so dramatic, and why we didn't just open the door insted?
I felt like an idiot. Once more, with feeling, little goldfish. The door wasn't even locked. I got angry at my own behaviour, but I just assumed that the door would be locked. Assumed that neither this, would be easy.
Since everything else was so hard, why would this be so easy?
I realized the hippies intensions were quite nice. The didn't want to kill us. Just the thought made me a bit calm. We drove out of the store, and back to the streets.

And we drove. For like a thousand miles, and I missed my dad, there were so many things I never got to ask him. I hated the situation, I hated that I couldn't find the vet. Hated that all the people in the city had become crazy. Tears streaming. Heart beating.

I woke up. I woke up. I woke up. And I couldn't move for at least an hour. The sun is shining outside, the beach is waiting. As always. Always waiting for girls like me to love it.
It needs to be loved.
I need to be loved.
I need to love myself.

In a way, this was i nightmare. And I don't give a damn if you don't understand it. Because I do.

Frou Frou - Let go.
I just need to let go, of all my fear.


'Cause there is beauty in breakdown.