...

Jag önskar också det, min kära.

Jag är halv ikväll.

Du är vacker och säkert en rätt så märklig pojke.
Jag är onekligen en ganska märklig flicka.
Alla tenderar att framstå som märkliga i fel sällskap.
Vi har svårt för att acceptera det vi inte kan förstå.
Svårt att älska de som kräver vår kärlek.
Svårt att släppa taget om de som inte vill ha oss nära.
Hela livet försöker vi platsa någonstans.
Komma någon nära inpå livet. Förstå en annan människas innersta.

Det där inuti. Som vi är så rädda för att visa. Det som gör oss till de vi är.
De där brinnande känslorna som ger oss våra attityder, de sista rösterna som skriker inuti våra hjärtan... Varför har vi så förbannat svårt för att släppa ut dem? Vi håller våra röster stadigt fastkedjade, stänger in dem bakom lås och bom, låter dem härja vårt innandöme likt sömnlösa demoner. Gång på gång. Varför gör vi så? Varför är vi så rädda?
Jag är rädd. Jag har mött människor som varit och är lika rädda som jag.
För att släppa taget om det trygga, för att våga leva, rädda för att ge sina själar rättvisa.
Rädda för sina egna tankar.
Skräckslagna för att inte tas på allvar.
Men vem är man närmast, om inte sig själv?
Till vilken röst ska man egentligen lyssna?

Jag vet hur man flyr, men jag vet inte hur man stannar var.
Borde man stanna kvar? Vad menas med att stanna kvar?
När vet man att man borde stanna kvar i en känsla? På en viss plats?

Det vet man.
Någon har visat mig det största av världar.
När någonting är rätt, finns det inga frågetecken, det finns inga tvivel och ingen ångest.
Självklart har jag fortfarande ångest, av hundra olika anledningar.
Ja ångest är ett vansinnigt starkt ord, men jag vet vad det betyder. Och hur det känns.
Jag önskar ibland att jag inte visste det.
Men när mina dagar är ljusa, när du till och med lyser upp de mörkaste nätter, är jag glad över att veta hur det känns att må riktigt dåligt.
För närmare lycka, har ingen pojke på denna jord någonsin fått mig att känna.

Du gör mig lugn, din kärlek blåser ut alla mina tvivel och jag är så sårbar och så stark och så fri och så bunden när du älskar mig, när du är nära mig. Jag suddas ut och blir en ny, bättre människa. Det är du som gör allt detta.
Jag skulle ljuga om jag påstod att detta inte skrämmer mig. Det gör det.
Aldrig någonsin när vi är i samma rum, i samma park, på samma ställe, du och jag, samtidigt, samtidigt, samtidigt, du och jag du och jag du och jag. När det är du och jag är jag aldrig rädd. Du och jag jag tillsammans får mig att bli starkare än jag någonsin varit.

När du är långt borta kan jag bli rädd. Totalt tokskraj för att vara exakt. Jag vet fortfarande inte riktigt hur man handskas med känslor. Det är svårt, fortfarande svårt svårt svårt. Jag lär mig. Hur långt borta du än är, finns det inte en själ som vinner min fulla uppmärksamhet. Inte någon som får mig att äventyra allt det som är jag, som jag vill ge till dig.

Att du är lycklig, är allt jag riktigt bryr mig om just nu.
Och jag hör gamla kärleksballader på radion som jag tidigare skrattat åt, och ler ler ler, bara ler. Jag förstår varje ord. Äntligen förstår jag allting.

Jag vill ägna mitt liv åt att älska dig.
Det är helt vansinnigt, jag är så jävla rädd så jävla rädd
Men det är så det är, det är så det är, det är precis så det är.

Det är precis så som det är
när en märklig flicka som jag
som trasat sönder sig själv rätt rejält
träffar en märklig pojke som du
och blir hel på två dagar och sjutton minuter
bara av din kärlek
det är precis så som det är
när något är så rätt som det kan vara.
Och i mina ögon
är du så härligt märklig
att du nästan är det mest normala
som går i ett par tofflor.

Cookie is in love.

I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find

Och jag har hittat honom.
Och han är vacker på alla sätt.
Och jag älskar honom så.
Idag och imorgon och dagen efter det.
Och det är så vansinnigt skrämmande rätt.
Bara tanken på att han finns i mitt liv gör mig lycklig.
Lyckligare än någonsin förut.

Love, be still...
Love be sweet.
don't you dare
change a thing.

Eddie.
Min Eddie.

Grekland.

Nagon gang i mitt liv ska jag ga i min systers fotspar och bo i Grekland.

I had a dream.

It's still there. Pumping through my veins. Killing me.
I had a dream last night. A dream about fear. Fear and love.
Liten was overrun by a car. And for some strange reason, we couldn't go to the vet. So we stayed at home, until she fainted. She had wounds all over her body and was in a lot of pain. I had to cut her ears. I don't know why, but right there, right then, I just knew that that was the best thing to do. So I did it. With a scissor. And it nearly killed me. It hurt like hell, I saw it in her eyes, but she didn't move. She trusted me, completely. Hugo was also ill. Not like Liten, but still. I realized we had to go to the vet. The doorbell rang. Outside stood my father. He told me he had come back from the dead, but that he wa very sick and needed to go to a doctor. He fainted. Liten fainted. Hugo ran away.
I ran to the car. And suddenly, we were all on our way to the hospital. First the hospital, then the vet. My mother was also in the car. I cried. I cried and my whole body trembled. I was so afraid. So afraid of losing my father again. So afraid of losing Liten. Liten. Liten and Hugo.
We drove faster and faster. Sometimes I drove. Sometimes my mum. Suddenly Fanny drove the car. We almost bumped into a high pavement, and I took control over the car again. My dad was in a very good mood, making jokes only he would say. He laughed, with his soft, dark voice. I understood that this was real, this was not a dream. Liten fainted in the backseat. Again. Daddy too. My mother told me I had to drive faster, faster, faster. And I did. I never hesitated. Faster... faster... faster.

When we came to the hospital my dad was in his most stubborn mood, and refused to use the elevator. He took the stairs. Mum was happy but worried, she knew that if he had decided to take the stairs, then the stairs it would be. We came into a white room, with lots of other people in it. The doctor made jokes, he was the same doctor who used to treat my father for like a hundred years ago. They recognized each other. The laughter filled the room. I screamed. My tears just fell down my cheeks and a couldn't breathe. My mum tried to calm me down, but it was impossible. Tears, tears, tears. I just wanted those laughing people to become serious, to give daddy treatment, I was absolutely terrified that he would die. Again. I started to wonder if I had become a lunatic, if this scene only took place in my head. But it was real, real, real.

I remembered Liten and Hugo, and ran to the car. Alone. I ran until my eyes couldn't see, until my heartbeats nearly killed me. Couldn't breath. Just ran. No air, no air, no air. Liten. Hugo. Liten. Hugo. Where the fuck is my car, where is it where is it where is it? Couldn't find it. Hated myself because I couldn't find my own car. I tried to press the electric kee. Nothing happend. I ran all over the parking area and the car was nowhere to be found. But wait. Wait. I pressed the unlock button again. And I saw the lights of the car. In a tree. But the car was invisible. The fucking car was invisible and in a fucking tree, and the panic came over me.

People around me started to act really weird, almost like everyone were stoned. Suddenly everyone in the parking area were laughing, almost screaming. They had all gone insane. All of them. Insane. They scared the shit out of me, but I had to stay, stay, stay. Liten. Hugo. Must take them to the vet.
I tried to manipulate the car. Begged it to stop being so fucking hard to handle. Told the car about Liten and Hugo and my dad and my mum and I really, really needed it to come down. I closed my eyes and convinced myself that the moment I opened them again, the car would be on the ground, ready to use. There was no time for these kind of strange things to happen. I opened my eyes. I saw the car. The black, shiny BMW. It was beautiful, powerful. And most of all, it was on the ground. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.
Liten and Hugo where still alive, and I jumped in, started the car, and drove gently out of the parking from hell. I had to be calm. Couldn't lose the car again. It all depended on the car. And the car knew all this. I didn't know how, but I could feel it in every little piece of my soul. After a while we drove faster and faster and faster. An old friend tried to stop me, she needed a ride. I didn't trust her. There was no time for trusting people. I had to do this alone.

Then the car went back to its invisible mood. Panic. Panic. Panic. What shall I do?

The next second, I was at the daycare. With Becca. She had a new sweather, of the colour gold. I thought it was a strange thing to do, to talk about her sweather when my world was falling to pieces. We ran away. To my place. I had to clean it, it was such a mess. Becca started to clean it, but suddenly Liten was in the livingroom. There was blood in her mouth, she threw up. More blood. The vet. The vet. The vet. How could I forget? Right there, right then, I could have killed myself for acting like a fucking worthless goldfish. I couldn't remember anything. And most of all... I couldn't do anything right. Fuck. I ran out of the house, and ofcourse my car was invisible. Again. I talked to the car, told him that I really, really, really could use some help right now, and that I didn't like its behaviour. It felt as if someone else had the power of the car. Everything was so strange. Almost like a movie. And I couldn't tell if the people around me could be trusted, or if they were some kind of zombies. How the fuck could I know, I couldn't even find my own car. Seek, seek, seek, hide and fucking seek.

The car now was in front of my eyes. But there was something wrong. No wheels. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I was lost. Didn't know what to do? How do you handle this situation, little goldfish? I found four tires, all in different sizes. I managed to fix the car, I drove through the streets in despair. Couldn't remember where the vet was. Right, left, right left.

My mum was suddenly in the seat beside me. Told me that my faster had died.
I didn't believe her, I called her a liar, I didn't want to hear any more bad news. Not now, not today, not ever again. I closed my eyes. We crashed into a store. Full of hippes, smoke, and music. They gace us drugs. I felt calm, even though I was screaming on the inside. We tried to drive through the glass door, out of this crazy place. The car just smashed into it. Nothing happened. The door remained closed. The hippies came over, asked us why we had to be so dramatic, and why we didn't just open the door insted?
I felt like an idiot. Once more, with feeling, little goldfish. The door wasn't even locked. I got angry at my own behaviour, but I just assumed that the door would be locked. Assumed that neither this, would be easy.
Since everything else was so hard, why would this be so easy?
I realized the hippies intensions were quite nice. The didn't want to kill us. Just the thought made me a bit calm. We drove out of the store, and back to the streets.

And we drove. For like a thousand miles, and I missed my dad, there were so many things I never got to ask him. I hated the situation, I hated that I couldn't find the vet. Hated that all the people in the city had become crazy. Tears streaming. Heart beating.

I woke up. I woke up. I woke up. And I couldn't move for at least an hour. The sun is shining outside, the beach is waiting. As always. Always waiting for girls like me to love it.
It needs to be loved.
I need to be loved.
I need to love myself.

In a way, this was i nightmare. And I don't give a damn if you don't understand it. Because I do.

Frou Frou - Let go.
I just need to let go, of all my fear.


'Cause there is beauty in breakdown.